4th Annual Swedish Fish Festival!

Well, its that Time of year once again.  Yup, its the Swedish Fish festival.  It started on the 18th, and the last 6 days have been a blast!  However, just because you missed the first half doesn't mean you can't come now, since the festival continues until the 28th!!!!  And this year it is completely free!!!  Thats right, there are no entrance fees!!!  So come over to the Imperial Palace grounds today and have fun at the Swedish Fish festival.

International Elections

It is time to cast in your ballot and vote me the new Dictator of the world.  Voting is only for this month, so you better vote for me.  Thank you for voting.

Analysis of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

I recently viewed the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1.  While I usually avoid reviewing movie, I felt that this one deserved a review from my enlightened being. 

Overall it was a very awesome movie.  Meaning this movie struck awe into me.  The awe being fear of how such a large and powerful studio could make such a terrible movie.  As some one who demands a ratio of 1 death, maiming or interesting action to every 10 sentences of dialogue, this movie did not meet my expectations.  Also I found the movie very unrealistic.  A girl of 17 would not be running around forests with teenage boys killing people.  She would be in her husband's kitchen, making food and fighting with his other wives.  The makers of this movie clearly were making some sort political statement, trying to fight for women's rights.   And that ginger clearly doesn't understand his place in society.  He is a lowerclass farmboy.  He should have realized he would never achieve greatness.  This is another offensive political statement I found in this movie.  The list of other statement goes on but these were the most important.  I must leave now, but overall, just pirate the movie.  It isn't worth your money.  Plus you will support Singapore's economy by doing this.

Thank you for reading this message.

Hellhounds

Hello folks.  Its me, Greshkhan again.  And today I will be teaching about hellhounds.  Hellhounds are creatures not of this world, but of the Demon World.  They evolved from dire wolves that ended up in the Demon World when our worlds split some few million years ago.  As such they are not magic beasts like Jätte.  They are just the result of an evolutionary process.  Unfortunately for us the world they evolved from is much harsher and more magic filled then ours.  As such they are much fiercer, stronger, larger, smarter and more magic resistant then the wolves of our world.  They are usually about the size of large wolves or small horses, the largest subspecies can reach the size of large horses.  The coat of a hellhound is very magic resistant and it is almost impossible to kill a hellhound with magic.  Neither the Demons nor us Humans have managed to tame the hellhound, but the Demonking did manage to magically enhance one, making it larger (it is almost 1000lbs and is in a size proportional to this), smarter (it can speak various languages, including Old Norse), stronger (it is almost impossible to hurt) and fiercer.  This hellhound is currently in our headquarters (XXXXXXXX) and it took much effort to catch it, even resulting in ᛏ(TXX) having his right hand bitten off.  But this shouldn't concern you.  What should concern you is what to do if you meet a hellhound.  To put it simply you better pray that it doesn't notice you, isn't hungry, or is nice.  Or else you better have something to fight it with.  Your fists won't cut it out, as they can easily bite them off (Ask ᛏ about that), and then they can tackle you and eat you.  Having a weapon such as an axe (which is the best weapon by the way), spear or sword will be helpful.  Guns are extremely helpful when it comes to killing hellhounds, but arrows may not be enough to kill one, at least initially.  Luckily hellhounds usually do manage to wander into our world, and when they do they are usually killed either by us or by commoners who are fed up with the killings of their livestock and families.  Famous hellhounds include the Beast of Gévaudan, and Hróðvitnir.  Have a good day.

Post Election Analysis Revisited

So I was re-reading my post election analysis from November 2008, and realized I got a lot of things wrong.  For one, all the fascists stayed in America, or moved to France.  Secondly I don't think McCain has retired, and I don't think Bush is a motivational speaker.  I can't talk about the things that haven't happened yet, like the war with Germany, and I don't know who is running in the next election.  Also I said that Obama's approval rating would be in the 50s by the end.  Its already below that.  He definitely helped ruin the economy though.   And while he didn't choose Bin Laden for his Secretary of State, he sure came close.

3rd Anniversary

So I missed the Wyrm News's Third Anniversary.  I am somewhat annoyed by that.  In fact I am very annoyed.  So I am going to do something special very soon.

Happy Leif Erikson Day

Time to celebrate one of the many discoverers of America that deserves recognition, not the stupid Christopher Columbus.

Atlantis, Lost Civilizations, and more lies in the truth

I have heard many stupid things in my long life. Its one of those things that happen when you live for a few thousand years. While the ignorance about Stonehenge is one thing that annoys me, another one is the lies told about Atlantis.

To begin: Atlantis never existed. In our world that it. What it is simply the reflection of the largest city in the Demon World, Ghörhltæqhwihkhåððýfûq (literally Great City of Hothy in Archaic Eastern High Demon), in our world caused by an imbalance of magic between our worlds. When there is a large magical burst of energy there, the city seems to appear in our world, over the corresponding coordinates in our world, and it reflects until the magic dissipates (these magical bursts happen in other places too, but that is another story). This causes problems when people see the reflection and think it is real. And that is how Atlantis came into being. Yes, all the stories you have heard about Atlantis are false.

What about the other "lost continents" you might ask. Here is a rundown. Hyperborea and Thule are just other names for the various islands in the North Sea. Mu is a non existant and just a story. Good Ol' Lumeria suffers the same fate as Mu. Not everything is a lie though. The various ideas of Shambhala, Ergenekon, Shangri-La, and other such places were rooted in fact. This fact was the Morcanian (English transliteration for their culture) civilization.

While I could fill books about the Morcanians, in short they were the humans that interacted the most with the other worlds. They lived in what is now the Steppes of Mongolia and Siberia, arriving there around 42,000 BM (Before Mythos). They spoke a language related to modern Ket. They were herders and lived as nomads. One tribe, whom I will call the Morcanians nomaded themselves into a demon outpost around 30,000 BM. At this point the Demons had not organized themselves into civilizations and were living as tribes. The city of Ghörhltæqhwihkhåððýfûq was only a small farming village at this point and the Great Lord Apocalypse was only beginning his life. This outpost was simply a place were one tribe was watching for its enemies without realizing that they were in the wrong world. To make a long story short, this tribe was kidnapped and kept as hostages for the next 32,000 or so years. When they finally freed themselves and returned to our world (In 2321 JU (In the Year of Our Lord)), they brought with them the mystical bone of Terror and a dialect of the Northwestern Low Afrit language. They created two large cities once they returned to our world, both known for being far more advanced than any other. It was these cities that created our idea of an ancient, peaceful, technologically advanced civilization that eventually was destroyed by its pride. But that is another story, for another time.

International Elections, My Nomination

I am pleased to announce that I have been nominated to be the new dictator of the world. Please vote for me. Thank you.

International Elections Overview

It has come to attention that many people have not heard of the International Elections before. This is very sad, as they are not using their right to choose who will be mercilessly killing them over the next five year. So here is a general overview.

Every five year there is an international election during the month of December (Gregorian Calendar). During this time people can go over to the nearest electoral agency and vote for their candidate, or they can send in their vote through the mail. Anyone can run for the position of Ruler of the World by write in, but in order to be on the official ballot, you must: be at least 25 months of age; be able to speak English, Mongolian, Russian, and Mandarin Chinese; and have been in at least 35 different countries that are currently recognized by Ethiopia. If you fulfill these requirements, you can send a letter of intent to the International Board of Really-Important Elections (PO Box 56-345, Svalbard City, Svalbard). If your letter arrives before the last board meeting in November (Board meetings are the second Thursday of every month) then your application will be considered, and if approved by a 2/3 majority of the board, and 4/9 of the other attending people, then it will be put on the next ballot. And if you win, you are the head honcho for the next five years (inauguration is at 3:30 AM Greenwich Standard Time, in the Temple of Scarred Souls, on the First Saturday of February. The Reception is held at the nearby Big Cheese Palace).

Hope you vote. Thank you for your attention.

Settling In

Sorry that it has been so long. I was busy setting up a new base in South America, since its my new post. Don't worry, I am not abandoning New Sweden, rather I am more of building a summer home. New Sweden will stay strong and under my control. In other news; Are you ready to vote for the World Leader in the International Elections? Voting takes place between December 10th and 31st. Make your self heard.

Stonehenge- Not for the Druids

As the summer solstice comes around again, I think of my life's mission, to fight Demons. Its hard work and you don't really get a break. Sure there hasn't been a major invasion since the sixteen century (in Shaanxi, covered up as an earthquake), but they almost made it back in 1908, and they are still trying even up to today. But how does this relate to the summer solstice. The answer is Stonehenge. (People who showed up to my lecture don't need to continue reading).

Stonehenge is a cap on the weakest link to our world and the demons. So it was here that us Demonslayers decided to create the first seal on the demon world. That, and it was near where our home was. It was always a place where things happened, due to the high amount of magical leakage. The locals, had already started building things there. We demonslayers helped, and when it was done (some 2 million man-hours later, not to mention some women hours) we enacted the seal. Things were good. Then came the invaders. They spoke a funny language, some had red hair, and they were very violent. They realized that Stonehenge was important, but they didn't know why. So they had their druids go there, as they killed off my people. Now 3000 years later, the common people have forgotten about my people, and they seem to think that the Celts built it, and that the druids worshiped there. To make it worse, the modern druids aren't even close to the old druids. Where is the human sacrifice and the other sorts of stuff like that. So now you know why I hate druids. Because they stole stonehenge from me.

King Arthur

There is something I must admit. In case, you hadn't guessed, I am king Arthur, not John Timothy Rothwell. He is a retarded fraud. Now they have messed the stories up a lot, but overall, it is true. See, I am currently the oldest person from Britain. Which automatically makes me king. Not only that, but I am the king Arthur of Legend. Though my name at the time was Archer Urchin Pentadrakon, I don't know where they made the mistake. The reason I am finally revealing this is because England is almost at its time of Greatest need, in which I am supposed to Return from Avalon (which is actually the now lost city of Del Mokoniriwhe). So this way, somebody can tell me when the greatest need comes, and I can return without constantly watching the news. So remember to tell me and bye.

What did I tell you

What did I tell you, about volcanoes and Glaciers? Oh yea, I said they are in eternal war. Well guess what happened. Soon after the feast ended, the Great god Cëíme'éča'údpóhkloľľünääkůíjå (Funny (Humorous) little fire island god) or Eyjafjallajökull created massive ash clouds, disrupting air travel, ruining economies (excepting New Zealand), and worse of all, stranding American Tourists in Europe, annoying the European's arrogance. This volcano god happens to be under his eternal enemy Cëínüíčä'údpóhkloľľüčacetëmůnääkůíjå (intelligent little fire island cold god), a glacial god. This god is one holding back Cëíme'éča'údpóhkloľľünääkůíjå from awaking the much more powerful god Cëíme'éčä'údpóhkloľľünääkůíjå (Funny big fire island god), or Katla. If Cëíme'éčä'údpóhkloľľünääkůíjå is awoken, a much bigger and more disruptive explosion will occur. As such I am constructing an altar for Cëínüíčä'údpóhkloľľüčacetëmůnääkůíjå right now, but I need a sacrifice. Don't worry, Cëínüíčä'údpóhkloľľüčacetëmůnääkůíjå is not a demanding god and only wants unicorns. So if you have a spare forest unicorn lying around, I would greatly accept it, as I don't have time to go hunting right now. Thank you. Also, the only very demanding Gods are the most important, who feel they are too important to have to choose their wives with the rest of the gods, and want them as soon as possible.

The truth about the New World Order

As announced in my previous post, it is time for people to learn the truth, not lies from the government. So in my second installment, I will tell you about the New World Order, and its connections Politics, Catholicism, Freemasons, and Demons.

In short, the New World Order (which will now be called the NWO or nwo) is an organization that is vying to rule the world. While the seeds of its have been planted for centuries, the League of Nations was the first attempt to create. While an utter failure, it proved that such an organization is possible. Then, in a secret meeting between the leaders of the world, in April of 1945, the document was sealed and the NWO was born. Yes, the United Nations is the NWO. But how does everything else fit into this? Well, once the NWO was founded, they realized they needed to infiltrate all parts of society. While scratching their heads, wondering how to do this, they were approached by the Traitor to humanity, Mr Menyasszony A Kutyák. He offered them help, in the form of his organization, the Freemasons, humans dedicated to making the Demons rule once again. The NWO gladly accepted, and began to unfold their plans. While they fought fake wars to try to dispel the truth, the Freemasons took over the Catholic Church. While never gaining any high ranking positions, their use of mind control, demonic rituals let them control in all but name. While some leaders tried to fight back, they were quickly killed off or framed, soon ending resistance. Next the NWO took on the media. By controlling various newspapers and Journal, such as the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The National Inquirer, they thought they had a tight control. But then came TV and Movies. Once again the Freemasons were called, this time to mind control actors, turning them into the slaves of the NWO. Now the NWO is waiting, slowly destroying us and our ideals, making us into one nation. They used the European Union as their test site. It worked to well, until the Valiant Efforts of Greece threatened to destroy it. Now they are trying to keep even that together.

Other people have fought against the NWO too. For example many "rouge states" what to destroy it. I myself have attacked it multiple times, including at the first meeting. While I did disrupt it, I did not count on having to fight hundreds of Royal Mounted Police Men, members of the LAPD, the FBI, and ninjas trained in a monastery in Tibet. I was eventually captured, yet I did escape. Also, a few years ago their was a direct assult on New Sweden and I was captured once again by the NWO. After being tortured I was eventually freed by agents from a country I will not name for its protection.

Now You may be wondering what you can do to help. It is quite simple. Support nations frowned on by the NWO, non-conformists like Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela. Teach your family, friends, coworkers, and dogs about the NWO. Assassinate politicians, Freemasons, Movie Stars, and Other people affiliated with the New World Order. Blow up NWO buildings and ruin their "peacekeeping" operations. Remember, the NWO causes problems so that they can solve them and gain people's respect. So don't give them your respect. Thank you for reading, and have a nice anti-NWO day.

The Festival of Fools ends on April 13.

The Truth about Global Warming

All this time, the world government has been feeding you lies, in order to hide the fact that the new world order is attempting to fulfill the Prophecy. These things include evolution, global warming, Freemasons, the Knight Templar, the Catholic Church, Gravity, the World being Round, the Earth revolving around the sun, and many other assumed "truths". But these are lies. And it is up to the knowledgeable, such as me, to keep the public informed with the truth. Today I will explain Global Warming.

Global Warming does not exist. Just live with it. Rather, the Glaciers are retreating because the Glacier Gods are exhaling. That is what causes the glacial winds. As the exhale, they become smaller. Soon they will once again inhale, and grow. but they will not grow as large, and will inhale weaker, because of the volcano gods striking while they are weak. See the volcano gods have been fighting the Glacier Gods since the beginning of time. At first the volcano gods were winning in this eternal war, but eventually the Glacier Gods made an alliance with the Lightning Gods, and created life. Hence the Glacier Gods are also the Gods of life. And for the last few billion years, they have been winning. Occasionally the Volcano Gods struck back, but for the most part they have been held back. But the Glacier Gods feel forgotten, and as everyone knows, you only have power over the those who believe in you. Therefore during this last exhalation, they haven't been able to defend themselves as well as they should have, and the volcano gods began to warm up the atmosphere at a greater rate, while also making the Glacier gods have trouble inhaling. It also seems that the volcano gods have made an alliance with the earth gods, in a combine effort to destroy all life on Earth. That is what accounts for the increase of earthquakes this year. Neither the Earth gods, nor the Volcano Gods, like the Glacier God's creation, life. So they want to destroy it. Now in order to save the world, we need to renew the Glacier Gods' power. To do this, we must feed the Greatest of the Gods. What the gods need fed to them are the Hearts of young, pretty, female, virgins, taken from their living flesh with an ice knife, under the full moon, on the Head of the God's palace, on top of an alter made of the bones of the most sacred animals: mountain goats, klipspringers, yaks, and trilobites. While I have been constructing these altars for the last few hundred years, I need volunteers to be sacrificed. They must volunteer themselves and be a willing sacrifice. Under no circumstances must they have any doubts about doing this, or that it is right. If you happen to fulfill the requirements (under the age of eighteen, pretty, virgin, female, willing, and believing in the Glacier Gods) then please contact me). You will go down in history as a true hero for humanity.



In other news, the festival of fools lasts until April 13.

Of Omission: Piece Number One

There exists multiple forms of English. First there is Old English. It is spoken by the peoples who entered the British Isle. When the Northmen conquered them, French turned into the powerful tongue. Then English returned to its position of power, but with strong french influence. It never would turn into its former, unmolested form. Next, it developed into modern English. Shexpere wrote in Modern English, not Old English. It would be most nice if you did not use the fore-mentioned error when referring to his works. This is the first Of Omission Piece.

Köszönöm for using your eyes to devour this work of much time.

Fun

You know what. The article I wrote on health care was fun. I think I am going to write more laws for the United States. But some other time. I am also going to create a series called, of omission. It will be random articles and you need to figure out whats special about them. I think I write the first one soon. Good Bye.

Health Care

In case you didn't hear, the Americans happened to pass a bill recently. I can't remember what it was about, but I think it had something to do with overtaxing people, and bleeding them dry for the sins of a few. I am no quite certain what it is about, but it sounds pretty bad. Like end of the world bad. I need to check the great prophecy though. Never mind. I don't think that it is the Great Prophecy. So it isn't the end of the world. Oh well, its been a while since I have fought Demons. Now onto the main topic. Assuming that the recently passed bill was a Health Care bill, then I will give my version of it. Not The current situation in New Sweden, but my version for America, Canada, Norway and other people I hate. Ahh wait But first, I guess it cold be the end of the world, depending how you interpret verse 12. If Washington is the obelisk, and health care is the lightning, then letting this bill be passed would be a quandary for the country. Except for the fact that Buushkhaneta was very literal and probably meant that lighting would strike an obelisk somewhere. Back on topic. Here is my plan, written in less than 1000 pages.

Health Care for Sucky Countries

1) Doctors cannot be sued for malpractice, but only if they accept a pay limit of an Unspecified amount, and donate at least 6 hours of their skills to charity every month.

2) Barbers are now allowed to let the blood out of their patients. Everyone knows the cure for depression is bleeding out some black bile. Carpenters are now allowed to carry out amputations and surgery.

3) Doctors must now join a guild to create a practice. All doctors must pay back their student loans before they can enter a guild. They must find their own way to get that money, like perhaps working at someone's practice.

4) Insurance companies are now unneeded, as is insurance. If you need money for something medical, you can take a loan from the Gov, which can be payed back either through money or work.

5) No more easy access medicine. If you have a headache, you can either wait in line for days to get one from a government store house, or you can get trepanned by your local shaman.

6) No more unnecessary tests. If something unnecessary and money wasting is done, the person who decided to authorize it will be given 40 lashes by the cat o'nine tails.

8) People can learn to suck up pain. Painkillers will be under so strict control, the pain will be kill be waiting before you get some.

9) The government reserves the right to shoot people in the head if they are felt as unneeded, no questions asked.

10) If all else fails, and spending is too high, we can combine costs and send sick people to fight our wars. That way our health treatment is combined with our war costs.

Lá Joyful Naomh Pádraig

Seo roinnt Gaeilge bréagach.

Diúltú liom scríobh i nGaeilge fíor.

Ní sin a dhéanamh fiú labhairt faoi mo chuid gramadach lochtach.

Anois, ar an ábhar.

Cén fáth a cheiliúradh rudaí Gaeilge nuair is féidir linn Lochlannaigh a cheiliúradh.

Nuair a bhíonn an lá Naomh Olaf's?

An bhfuil tú fionnaidh a chaitheamh nó a fháil ar do cheann a ghearradh amach le tua cath?

Is é sin mo cineál saoire.

Slán a fhágáil go dtí roinnt dáta níos déanaí.

Mythos Wyrm, who wore fur today.

Self Help Book- Chapter 2

Chapter 2- I ran away from an Oppressive dictatorship, and now live in a Ghetto without speaking the language.

Wow, you commie. There is no such thing as an oppressive dictatorship, only oppressed subjects. You can not be oppressed if you don't let yourself become oppressed. The reason that you have problems is because you fall in class 2, people who think they have problems but don't because they live in a fantasy world. You have no legitimate problem, so we will address no answer. Now get back to your fatherland and make yourself useful.

Rise of the Anglishmen

I fraign your forechoice to latin phrases, you daft culver head. It makes you a daft Frenchman, mind you. Even you women are Frenchmen. There is no wherefore to handle those swinksome words. I should kill you and make your kin thralls. Yes, they will find fun in thralldom. No qualm about it. Let the Arne of true Angland slay the speech trusteavers. Yes, that is a great forethink. Once again, Anglish will be Saxon and not Norman. Long live the King!!!!!

Thanks

I thank all of the people who attended my Lecture. It was awesome, you must say, especially the exploding PETA members. Remember, eating vegetables without meat increases the likelihood of exploding. Finnally thank you Swedish Woman's Olympic Curling team for beating the Canadians at their own game. Even though many, including I, don't think it a real sport, you still won, which is good. See everybody soon.

Poster

Special Lecture!!!!

On Saturday, March 5, there will be a Special lecture by his Majesty Justice Mythos Wyrm. It will be called, "Stonehenge: Truth behind the Stones" and will run from 9:30 AM to 7:30 PM. Only losers wont attend. Even though it is primarily about Stonehenge it will cover many other topics that they don't want you to know. It will be a lot of fun, so be there.

Who: Justice Mythos Wyrm
What: A lecture on many things
Where: The Grand Auditorium
When: 9:30-7:30 Saturday March 6, 2010
Why: To inform the public


Official Poster advertisement coming up.

WHAT!!!!!

HOW DID THE SWEDISH WOMAN'S HOCKEY TEAM LOSE TO CANADA 13-1!!!!!! IT IS ABSURD!!!!!! THIS SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED. WHY!!!!!

Olympics 2010

We at new Sweden give our condolences to Nodar Kumaritashvili's family and wish the Georgian Team. We also wish everybody else luck. We wish we could be there, but our skiers were just too good.

Self Help Book- Introduction and Chapter 1

I keep on receiving letters from people telling me that I should help the world and publish a self help book. Well I decided to do that and now for a limited time only, you can read it before it is published, or even sent to the Publishers!!!! Ready for it. Here it is.

Get a Life:
Why you should help your self instead on relying on others, you whining pig!!!!!!!

Introduction

You might be wondering why I, An awesome demon-slayer, benevolent dictator, linguist, and Professor of Demonology at His Majesty's the Royal Supreme High Lord Sir Justice Mythos Wyrm University, would be concerning myself with you pitiful mortals and writing a book to solve your problems. Well they answer is I am tired of you asking for my help. So I am writing something that will end my problems once an for all. It is broken into three parts: Why you have problems; Why you aren't solving them; and How to solve them. Now let us start.

Part 1- Why you have problems

Chapter 1- I live in my mom's basement and am ranked #1 in Halo 3 online

Good job looser. Now get a life. See you fall under the first category of the people with problems, you are slothful and want people to solve your easily correctable problems. Well why should we solve your problems. See the reason you have problems is because you secretly want to have problems. You cause them yourself so that people will feel sorry for you. Guess what, they don't. We see you, laugh and then play Parcheesi. We don't feel sorry for you. Get out of the basement, breathe in some fresh air and join the marines, you don't have any real problems. And I will kill you one of these days!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Annoucments

McDonald's are now illegal. Please bomb them if you see one. There will be movie critics training on February 9, at the Big Ol' Theater. Chocolate is leagal until the 18th of February. Have a nice day.

What is the Hardest Language to learn?

What a wonderful question. As someone who can speak more than 83 human languages, 7 demon languages, 2 elven languages, a dwarven language, and Esperanto, I must say that all languages are easy. The hardest are definitely Demon languages, because they have a different mouth than us, and humans can't pronounce some sounds in it. This sound is known as the voiceless lateral epiglottal trill. I just fake it with an epiglottal trill and some luck. There are some other sounds too, but they aren't nearly as needed or hard. Elven does have multiple tones (at once) and has way too many vowels, but it is possible. The only language that I have tried to learn and can't is Kwhúúmish. And it isn't actually that hard of a language. It only has three vowels (i, u, a) with 7 tones (high, mid, low, lower, high rising, low falling, and mid-low-high) and the vowels being contrasted by length, nasalization, glottalizaiton, pharlengization, and other things. And it only has about six stops (p, t, d[retroflex], c, k, q +') that are contrasted by length, labialization, aspiration, palatalization, pharlengizaiton, and more. THere are no nasals, and only 2 approximants. I just don't know why I cant learn it. Until later...
Mythos Wyrm.










And yes I can speak french, I just choose not to.

Unicorns

There are two types of Unicorns, the Steppe Unicorn and the Forest Unicorn. There are also their close relatives the Bicorns, and the Quadracorns, but those are a completely different story. And no, tricorns do not exist. Steppe Unicorns are extremely common, living all over Russia, Mongolia, Kazakhstan and other parts of Central Asia. They often are found in herds over five hundred and it is thought there are over two-hundred herds this size. Of course these creatures are not often seen as they can run over forty-five miles per hour over the course of thirty miles and can easily sprint at miles per hour. They also blend in well with the steppe. They have little magical ability and their main purpose for being hunted is for food and for their extremely warm and camouflaged hide. Some people also seek them out for their horns, which are then sold as fake unicorn horns. Forest unicorns contrast greatly. They are rare solitary beasts, larger than a draft horse, and are extremely bad tempered. They have much magical ability and are agile and elusive. Forest Unicorns are found throughout Germany, Switzerland, Austria, and other forested areas in Europe. It is also thought that some where captured and released in British Columbia during the 1700s, and that they is now a sizable population fighting for food with the Sasquatch. The forest Unicorn is white in colour in its natural form, but can change its colour at will. The horn of a forest unicorn is unbreakable, extremely sharp, and capable of cutting diamond. When ground up it acts as a powerful hallucinogen, and in quantities of more than a few grams it can knock out or even kill an adult human. Forest Unicorn blood is highly acidic, and is used as the almost universal solvent, as it can't dissolve gold, and a few other things. Forest unicorn hide is also warm, but has nothing special compared to the steppe unicorn hide. Forest Unicorn hoofs can be turned into an adhesive that is more powerful than almost any type of glue, but at the same time can be easily removed in the proper manner. This makes it useful for climbing up walls. Forest Unicorn bones can be ground up to make a potion that makes to user temporarily fast, but has side effects that include increased heart rate, death, internal bleeding, loss of judgment, insanity, internal necrosis, and a squeaky voice. Forest unicorn tail can be used to make a strong, elasticity rope. Forest unicorn liver tastes really good fried, and their kidneys can cure you of most poisons when eaten (with the side effect of being poisonous themselves). Forest Unicorn bile is a flavor-er and can make anything it touches taste like strawberries, cinnamon and rotting flesh, for weeks at a time. The heart of a forest unicorn can be dried to create a pouch that bounces like a rubber ball and floats in water. Most other parts are useless. In order to hunt a forest unicorn, you must lure it to ca clearing with a human girl, which it eat. As it is eating, you can try to kill it. It has a heightened sense of danger, and will run away at the slightest bit of danger, so having prettier girls is better (to distract them more). If you and your hunting party are extremely good, the girl might even be saved. Please note that hunting forest unicorns is illegal and fines will be imposed on poachers. All forest unicorn products are illegal and non-trade-able. Forest unicorns are very deadly and love snaking on human flesh. With that thank you and have a nice day.

Jelly Voles

Do you want to eat a jelly vole? They are the next Swedish Fish. Almost as good, but way awesome-er. Buy some today.

The Wise Guy is sick

Just read the title. He is recovering from Ebola and should be ready to spread his wisdom in a few weeks. Thank you for supporting us and have a nice day

The Wise Corner- #2 Pasta

Pasta is a good food for you. It has lots of carbohydrates, which are good for you. You should not fear carbohydrates. Pasta also tastes good. There are many ways prepare pasta. Try them all, in every shape. If you eat one pound of pasta a day I assure that by 2013 you will be the strongest person ever. I did that and after twenty years I could wrestle a bear. Then I ate the arch-nemesis of pasta, watermelon. If you never eat watermelon you will be strong.
-Wise Guy

Which do you prefer?

Dů jů laëk ďú čék vélžún ül ďú ëíntélnét vélžún úv ďëíc cklëípt fół ëňglëíš?

Duuo yuuo laaik dhu tshek uuel dhu intelnet velzhun uv dhic sklipt foll iingglish?

Plëc cómént.

Pliis coment.

Chicken Hunt

There will be a country wide chicken hunt on Friday January 22. Your goal will to be to catch as many specially marked chickens as possible and bring them to the palace by Tuesday. There will then be a party with lots of fried chicken and fun. Even door prizes. Everybody is invited. Remember, chickens must not be hurt. Nor may other competitors be hurt, but you can steal their chickens. Prizes for the people who bring back the most chickens. All PETA members are invited to attend, but if the competition is interfered with in any way, there will be severe consequences.
You have been warned.

Gůíd Lúk and háv fún, maë évél cü löjół cúbđékc.

Notice:

Yes it is true that the wise guy is a little weird. But please listen to him. He is very wise you know. And he knows Zulu. Also, there is a demon ball game vs the Vladstockengrad Cossacks next Friday. i would highly recommend that you are there. Finally, there is going to be a public discussion on the prophecy on January 21, at 5:00 PM and running to 9:00 Pm at the Royal Palace.

The Wise Corner- #1 Introduction

Many of you have problems. Long ago I had problems too. But I fought my problems and became better. I am now ever telling people who to solve their problems. See when I was a young boy, there was no such thing as hippies. Also there was no such thing as video games, and telephones. In fact there was no electricity, or Romans. There was just open plains and nature. It was very fun. Then they came. They were very scary and killed my family. They also burned my village and killed everybody. The only thing left was me and my walking stick. So I left out into the world. I traveled for many years, and then I ran into this man who told me that he was looking for me. But more amazingly he spoke my language. See I thought that I was the only speaker left, for my village was the last stronghold for the Kwhúúm, which were my people. Our lands had been overrun by the Tâp'iiqhí for many years. And this man gave me sage advice. He told me that Even if life comes and kills your family, destroys all you know and makes you a fugitive, you should still become a learner of wisdom. And so that has been my journey. Thank you.

- Yâtjâ Npàmthk'ííqqhàdu
Wise Guy

Ima backa

I got South America for my assignment. That means that I shouldn't have to do to much over the next decade, hopefully. The rest of the council got: Australia (Sercatha), North America (Greshkhan), Asia (Ferdirend), Africa (Crynearg), and Europe (Annawyn).

Next: Updates for the new year. There will be more letters to the demon-slayers, guest columns, and cool stuff. Also there will be things like language lessons, and possibly games. The wise guy has even offered to write a column every week. Hope you have a good year, or in our orthography (style Czech)- Üp jů óv ä gůíd jęh`. I think. I usually use the normal script. Which is way cooler. But you have to learn both. So in your language- gůíd baę júň pódúwón. Or- Dünt kęíl jůíh`célf, oh` élc jů węíl daę.

A Brief description of the next few days

I will be gone over the next few days for the Great Demon Slayer Conference. We hold this every ten years at our secret hideout to draw lots and receive new assignments. How it works is each continent (excluding Antarctica) is assigned a straw length. This decade the shortest is Europe, the next is South America, then North America, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia. Then we draw straws according to who got Europe the conference before. Then goes Asia, Australia, Africa, North America, and Finally South America. That means I am going third. I will be gone from the 3rd to the 8th of January. thank you for any inconvenience.

Post 100!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PROPHECY!!!!!

Well the 100th post ironically is the prophecy. I did not plan this, at all. It just happened. Well here comes the first poetically direct translation to English of the great oracle Buushkhaneta. 100 stanzas, 100 posts. Some words, not some 2385 comments. Get to work readers.

1- This is a speech of death, destruction and doom
of the end of the world and of the things to unfold
If you art scared then leave the room
while the rest of us hear what will happen before the end of the world.

2- In the plains there shalt be two great cities
one on the land and her sister in the sky
but the one in the sky will think it to be witty
and crash down making her sister into a pie.

3- A nation on the lost continent
shall form when it fights its mother
years after word, when its men live in tents,
it shall be the king of the world, and there shall be no other.

4- The ice to the south
shall bleed and die
flooding the rivers mouth
all due to gas in the sky.

5- People will think it funny
to watch little girls get sucked up by tornadoes
and for them to kill witches but not a bunny
and they not throw at the screen tomatoes.

6- Drunkards shalt crown an art student
who went rouge when his art sucked
the will conquer with men in a tent
and at the end he will shoot at head and won't ducked.

7- The first king of the world will
set the land of the sun on fire
yet a later king (not named Phil)
will bow down to the emperor without a lyre.

8- I am Yo.
I like Cats.
Yo's katana.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

9- Winds from the north
shalt mix with the south
and create big storm's worth
of damage in the mouth.

10- Power shalt be gathered
from the biggest to the small
and environmentalists shalt be like catherds
as the Europeans think their renewable energy is great and tall.

11-Roses art red
and Violets are blue.
Yo has a big head
and he kills many, not few.

12- Clouds shall gather
over the obelisk of heavy laundry
lightning shalt the strike matter
sending the empire into a quandary.

13- Simplistic nightmares
the chosen one shalt have,
yet like stray hairs
she shalt fight them away in goodbye wave.

14- The Nord and the Swede
shalt war and control one another
until the day where the result of explosive greed
shalt bring them together.

15- The Earth twist and turns,
the roads and buildings buckle
the Chinaman's city burns
in a land where the animals love a suckle.

16- The misfortunes of others
shalt be laughed at by all
on magic boxes hated by mothers
that are found everywhere, even the mall.

17- An Italian thief
shalt mug and steal
from a traveler from a far fief
and become the greatest genius to eat a meal.

18- The bodies of long dead lizards
will be used to fuel wagons
but as it runs out, not even wizards
can hold back the economic dragons.

19- Me thinks you have what is mine
saith the bald man to the hair footed guy
fight be that which follows, a finger is dine
but tis fantasy, sigh.

20- Through the jungle they creep
all yellow and black spotted
the power of the jaguar they leap
yet the interlopers win, and in pain the bodies will be rotted.

21- Sandy winds cover those below
as the desert spreads.
From Carthage to Ogbomosho
the men shalt be covered to their heads.

22- Monks of San Fransisco
shalt go Veni, Vedi, Vici
when the Pope go
very very sicky.

23- All the way from Atlantis
to Lemuria and My
Crazies shalt go a chantis
and say "I am not a crook" while turning a brilliant hue.

24- Lightning shalt strike
the chosen not once, but twice
yet in much it would be alike
to be struck thrice.

25- Fish will be eaten
at a non sustainable rate
and by fifty years they will be beaten
saith those we hate.

26- To whom we call
the lost one's gaze:
there will may be many tests, great and small
but for none you will faze.

27- Death be a coming
all are a running
the politicians' noses a thumbing
and the lizard aren't a sunning.

28- Great balls of fire, the water is rising
in the city that shalt not tire
and where the plays are singing.

29- The king of the world
shall young be elected
do nothing he shalt dorld
yet the one non warlike prize shalt be not rejected.

30- 'Tis the season to be jolly
buying things to supplement the income of the mall.
The religion is gone in this day of holly,
the true meaning lost to almost all.

31- Taurine Zebu
Bovine Cow
The great ancestor moo moo
shall leave me now.

32- From the Baltic Coasts
to the Peninsula on the sea
all, not most
shall under one rule be.

33- Dog whisperer
such powerful ones
they talk to hims and hers
and seem to have funs.

34- They stare at the sky
and envy the bird
and so they create birds in their eye
and they fly from the third.

35- Kings are two a penny
Princes are three,
until one day many
kingdoms fall like a forest of dead tree.

36- Grown in floods
and feeding the world
people panic when it is rationed like mud
in a warehouse of the world.

37- It's a mad place
with two super powers,
yet it's worse than mace
with only one checked by none but flowers.

38- May kaffa
May sing
May notta
go ding ding.

39- Arabian nights,
like Arabian days,
have deadly fights
or so they says.

40- Black gold is the stuff,
it runs with fire and not ice
everybody wants it, weak or tough,
and they get it by not being nice.

41- Twinkle, twinkle little star
I can't find you in the haze
I know not where thou art are
in this starry maze.

42- Women... in schools!
What a sight.
Don't call me a sexists fool,
you ugly fright.

43- I shalt hate the day
where lazy teenagers shall
make billions being loud and gay
playing noisy instruments till the fall.

44- War and Peace
Peace and War.
At the same time and pleece
happen they shalt be and more.

45- Yo shall assemble many
oblivious they are to his intentions
not knowing really why
the ore they mine is not fought over by nations.

46- "Where you be?"
say Bach
to the tree
in the loch.

47- Dumma Dumma roll Dumma.
Here comes the Khan,
a great empire he a runna
and he shalt know little of his ancestry grand.

48- Blood, Blood on the wall,
Who art the fairest of them all?
Is it the judge, the arbitrator, the cop at the mall?
Or is it the one chosen above all?

49- Skull for a mask,
scapula for a shield,
the bone meister is ready for the task
but what of her who is in the field?

50- Blowing spit bubbles is fun!
But what about those who can't do it?
get some rubber, make it pink, call it gum,
put it in your mouth and let it be bit.

51- Automatoa... Check.
Birds of Death... Ready for anything.
Great disciples of moi... in a sec.
OK, roll call is over, said the one who sing.

52- Tuba in the center,
trumpets on the side,
trombones up in the fronter
and horns, go hide.

53- Yo met her once,
at a convention on many things.
they talked to each other, like a dunce
but out of it came no rings.

54- Babies
are hard on the brain,
just like rabies,
and soon you just dance in the rain.

55- Om.
On.
Og.
Oy.

56-And so we art back to now
and now know what will
happen before the end of all toe, sow,
human, dog or pill.

57- But still there is much
that can be learned
about what will happen after these touch
our lives and the fuse gets burned.

58- And so,
in a few verses following,
we will go
and tour that which is unfolding.

59- A word of warning.
the following is gruesome,
if you fell your mind burning,
feel free to leave and don't be troublesome.

60- Now let us begin,
you vile hags,
for the world is big and not made of tin,
and there is much to see, don't forget your bag.

61- Here we start, at an ancient circle,
that the druids claim falsley is theirs,
untrue that is, because it is a portal,
and it connects to a world with little mares.

62- These invaders have come before,
but knocked back they were,
but with their new door,
they will destroy, dur.

63- Many cities that they shalt raze,
like Londonium and Paris,
Their path will be straightforward, not a maze,
and they will be quite merry.

64- The army will be organized,
with ranks and jobs and such,
but our efforts will be compromised,
very, very much.

65- They will move with passion,
destroying all in their way,
stuff will be burning in a brilliant fashion,
and they will drink our mead and not pay!

66- Onward they shalt go,
banners flying high,
hurting the world we know,
and we can only sigh.

67- Nowhere can escape their wrath,
all will be touched,
the ones at the end of the path,
are in a place not wanted much.

68- The great northern land,
shalt be restored to its glory of old,
No more shalt it be viewed like sand,
and there will be no more mold.

69- Once again. this shall be,
the base of operations,
a mighty fortress to the d,
a bane to all the nations.

70- No more shall the island be mocked,
and used for meaningless storage,
from here the paychecks shalt be docked,
and soldiers shall be refused their porridge.

71- Great beasts will be imported,
things that dwarf elephants,
like and angry bull their nose a snorted,
and a lunch they make of elephants.

72- Some of them will be wolves,
of a most demonic type,
the type of wolves that eat dwarves,
and can cause a great hype.

73- Also there will be other ones,
like great beasts of the sky,
not like birds, but flying bags 'o fun,
that can shred a human into a mincemeat pie.

74- Of course there will be awesome lizards,
the types that gaze, breathe and chew.
They will be a match for the greatest wizards,
and will love to the mountains of Peru.

75- All of these, and much much more,
shall come with the invaders,
all of this will come from the door,
in the land of owe you laters.

76- But do not worry,
that's not all,
for natural disasters will make your head want to bury,
and never answer a call.

77- A virulent plague will break out,
one that makes your flesh peel,
but don't run ot the room and pout,
for the descriptions is in the next reel.

78- It will strike you as you sleep,
a simple insectoid bite.
Little do you know your soul it reaps,
all from this magician's mite.

79- For a while it shall rest,
and slowly it shalt spread,
but beware my guest,
for you'll never know when you'll drop dead.

80- When it awakens you will know,
as will all that look at you,
when they see your skin go,
and your body turns to poo.

81- First comes vomiting, diarrhea, and shaking,
followed by tremors, seizures, and dreams.
Then comes mild skin flaking,
and you realizes it is more than it seems.

82- After that comes massive holes,
of rotting flesh on thou,
then your bones turn into jelly rolls,
and you can't even go ow.

83- Finally the end is near,
and your appendages fall off,
Soon you won't be able to see or hear,
only breathe and cough.

84- The finale is either when,
you die of starvation,
or when the plague reaches the brain pen,
liqufying it and causing the brain to have destabilization.

85- so this ends,
my bloody tale,
of a disease your body defends,
against with no avail.

86- Of course other things will happen,
like earthquakes, volcanoes, dissolving tribes,
whirlpools, tsunamis, and a kraken,
but these aren't as fun to describe.

87- Some of the natural spirits,
on our fair planet will awaken too,
like the giants, and no-fear-its,
or the great one who moos.

88- Even the unicorns,
might go bad,
at least the ones with common horns,
but they always were sad.

89- Buildings will tumble,
people's homes will go to ruin,
humans will rumble,
and lawyers won't be suin'.

90- Yes all of this,
and much much more,
will happen with a kiss,
and the opening of a door.

91- Is there any hope,
for when the end begins?
Of course there is you dope,
like an animal with fins.

92- The binders must be found,
the ones who won last time,
so act like a bloodhound,
because not finding them would be a crime.

93- They must be brought,
to the land of their home,
with the magic on you got,
and the great sky dome.

94- after that there is time for lunch,
and then there is more searching,
this time for the horseman bunch,
and their father a lurching.

95- While three of them will be easy,
the last one will be tough,
for he loves his life, though it's cheesy,
and he is quite gruff.

96- Once these troubled souls are gathered,
and the chosen one is found,
all must go to my blood's tomb like none matters,
even though it's just an unknown mound.

97- From here the final battle,
roars to a start,
though many will be hurt (don't forget a rattle),
do not lose heart.

98- The chosen one's
time is here,
one she can let all be done,
when she learns to conquer fear.

99- Well goodbye, thanks for listening,
don't forget you complementary scroll and ring,
hey, why are you all hastening,
when you must remember one thing.

100- Don't let the chosen one fly,
at any cost.
Don't let her die,
or all is lost.

Contrary to Popular Belief...

I did not die in a blogging accident. I have just been very busy and will continue to be busy over the next few weeks. then hopefully my schedule will clear up. And yes the prophecy is still coming.