11/26/07

HI

NEWS

Today at 8:00 AM the Commander Guy George "Dubya" Bush gave a moving speech about how for 4 score and 7 years we have oppressed candy and how we must, as a nation, force Congress to pass a Candy Bill of Rights to save these poor confectioneries. Comeback Kid Bill Clinton rudely yelled at Dubya calling him a stupid Hippocratic oaf who likes to kill candy every night. George replied, "Your MOM." The resulting fight lasted 23 minutes, until the Secret Service intervened, pulling Teflon Bill off of the Velcro President. At the time of writing William Clinton was being held at Guantanamo Bay. At promptly 9:00 AM nine howitzers and a twelve-gauge were fired into the crowd. The ambassador of Japan and an undisclosed amount of citizens are in the extensive care unit of the Walter Reed Army Medical Center for serious injuries. After this salute the Candy Caravan, the Envoy of the King of the Sweets Empire, left Washington on a long trek to 2300 Warrensville Center Road, University Heights, Ohio for the stolen Candy to be returned to Mayor Rothschild.

Until Next time

11/22/07

Sorry about the wait. There was no news.

NEWS

Yesterday the Supreme Court closed the Tootsie Roll vs FBI case. The outcome. In favor of the tootsie roll. The Tootsie roll when hearing this was so happy he talked, giving him the world record for most words said by a tootsie roll (2). The candy is being shipped back to Mayor Rothschild in 14 armoured cars, with an escort of 24 tanks, 31 military hummers, and 3 gun ships. The envoy is set to begin their journey on Monday.

More News

Macy's Thanksgiving parade was ruined when terrorists shot down Santa. It caused mass pandemonium's resulting in gun shots and injury. At least 167 people are reported dead and 319 people are severely injured. More info to follow.

Words from the wise guy's mouth

"Boycott Macy's. If you don't you support terrorism"

More later.

"Belated Post-Election Day" Issue 11/8/07

Sorry about the delay. We were surprised by the amount of votes Hitler.
Election Results
Chanceller: Winner-Thomas Frederick with 67% of votes. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

Supreme Military Leader: Winner- Devon Hardinger with 36.72941% of the votes. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

Treasurer: Winner- John Millhorn with 96.1% of votes. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

PR Represantive: Winner- Sean Kramer with 30.16% of votes. Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr, and Gandhi tied at 20.78%. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

Party 101

The political parties are:
The Lingonberry Party: For all swedes and Swedes only. Members- Fredrik Reinfeldt, Carl XVI Gustaf

The Barbarian Party: the Politcal party for Germans, Mongols, Turks, and Vikings (I'm talking about tribes). Members- Ugga VII the Neanderthal, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, Ubba the Viking, Eric the Red

The Fat stupid rich American Party: for fat stupid rich americans. Members- Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Lizzie Borden, George W Bush, Alexander Hamilton

The Crazy Ruler Party: for leaders of countries who are crazy. Members- Adolf Hitler, Vlad Dracul, Nepoleon Bonaparte, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Sivaji, Hasan Sabah, Murad IV, Shaka, Cleopatra, Herod the Great, Josef Stalin, Julius Cesar, Amina, Lepold II

Sci-fi fantasy party: For people from sci-fi fantasy books/movies. Also for People from Spain, Italy, Portugal, Southern France, and other Southern European Places for a good Swede knows southern Europe is a fantasy world. Members- Luke Skywalker, Senator Palpatine, Hernado Cortes, Pope Urban II,

The good party: humaintarians and good people only. Members- Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Martin Luther

The Awsome party- I'm better than you. Members- Thomas Frederick, , Devon Hardinger, John Millhorn, Sean Kramer

New Sweden Election Issue 11/6/07

Election

High Council: Information

The high council is the main governing body of New Sweden. It is consisted of 5 for life positions. People are elected for 4 of these positions. When they die there is a new election to fill the position. The positions are:

Emperor- leader of the New Swedish Empire and most powerful person in the council. This position is the only one where the common people have no say in filling the position.

Chancellor (Prime Minister?)- this is the secondary leader of the council and the New Swedish empire.

Supreme Military leader (name to be specified, possibly Shogun or Jarl)- this person is in charge of the army, navy, air force, espionage/counter espionage, internal security (police etc.), special forces/assassins and more.

Treasurer- in charge of finance for New Sweden. Also in charge of taxes, labor, trade etc.

Public and Foreign relations- in charge of relations with the common people, other governments and ambassadors.

The Candidates

Chancellor- Alexander Hamilton, Eric the Red, Adolf Hitler, Luke Skywalker, Senator Palpatine, Thomas Frederick, Fredrik Reinfeldt, Carl XVI Gustaf, Julius Cesar, Ugga VII the Neanderthal, Amina, George W Bush

Military Dude- Vlad Dracul, Adolf Hitler, Ugga VII, Nepoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, Ubba the Viking, Alexander the Great, Devon Hardinger, Ivan the Terrible

Treasurer- Lepold II, Adolf Hitler, Ugga VII, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, John Millhorn, Alexander Hamilton, Sivaji, Hasan Sabah, Hernado Cortes, Murad IV, Pope Urban II,

P/F R- Ugga VII, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Cleopatra, Herod the Great, Sean Kramer, Shaka, Lizzie Borden, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Martin Luther, and the Hidden Person ???,

Check tomorrow for results plus party info.

11/3/07

The News

More information on the University Heights Candy Scandal is now available. Yesterday at 9:32 PM in Washington DC the FBI finished scanning the candy for HIV. They found that 0.00% of the candy was HIV positive but one tootsie roll had trace amounts of contaminant 132684 (dish soap). When finding this the FBI activated the controversial order 666666 which says that when a terrorist-borne contaminant is found in or on a common household item the government has the right to burn all objects of the same type (ex: all silverware if a fork is contaminated) in a 200 mile radius. Then they have to take the ashes, bombard them with gamma rays, and send the radiated ashes to a military base in Zimbabwe were they are put in special air-tight capsules which are shot from a rail gun to Mars. PETA is appealing to the Supreme Court in behalf of the candy, claiming order 6666666 is unconstitutional. The tootsie roll has no comment.

Animal of the day

Corgan: An animal family that's base characteristics are 2 chicken legs, a furry spherical body, two bulging eyes and a long tail that ends in a fork. Contains 5 different species to be detailed in later issues.

Words From the Wise Guy's Mouth

"Elephant pies are better than cow pies when you are chucking things at cars"

That's all Folks.

The First Report 11/1/07

Welcome readers to the first edition of "The Wyrm News". I am your host, his Majesty Supreme Justice Mythos Wyrm of the New Swedish Empire. Now that I have introduced myself the news will begin.

The News

On October 31, 2007 five teenage boys and three 7 year old girls stole a total of 736 pounds and 9 ounces of candy from houses on Saybrook, Washington, Silsby, and Traymore roads of University Heights, Ohio. They were hired by Mayor Beryl E. Rothschild so that she could have as much candy as she wanted. The candy was going to be hid in the "salt" storage facility behind city hall, but the EPA said that the facility was not up standards a.k.a there was no tarp over the cardboard box. The candy was then confiscated and sent to the FBI to make sure that terrorists didn't poison the candy with HIV. No more information at the time.

REAL NEWS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Wednesday October 24, 12 year old Allerric Wilkes passed out during gym at Wiley Middle School. He died later that evening at the hospital. We will never forget him.

Letter of the Day

Today's letter of the day is Quazi (#%^). It is used in two words (#%^)hgiity and n(#%^)criyup.

Number of the Day

Today's number is 12476897635072356327634.52376015670163758610661114841. If you find its square and square root you get a piece of chocolate.

Wisdom from the Wise Guy's Mouth.

"Potato Chips are good for your stomach bacteria"

Read tomorrow for more wisdom

This has been today's report. Check tomorrow for more news.