Monday, November 30, 2009

Coming Soon: The Prophecy

That is right. Soon, for the first time ever the Prophecy will be available online, in the Original English Translation by Sir Roger Jones. That includes all one hundred stanzas, four hundred lines and XXXXX words. Be ready for your life to be changed.




1/1/10 1/1/10 1/1/10 1/1/10 1/1/10 1/1/10

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Two Years!!!

Its been two years of The Wyrm News. Unfortunately we haven't got 100 articles yet so our Epic 100th will have to wait. But as consolation, everyone who texts FAT BufF810 to Oregon (673466) by 21:00 November 10th, 2009, will get a free medium single topping pizza* courtesy of Bob's pizza. Thank you and have a nice day.


*ะขั‚ั ะ’ัƒั€ะผ ะัƒะท ะฒะธะปะป ะฝะพั‚ ะฐััะฟั‚ ั€ะธัะฐัะธะฑะธะปะธั‚ะธ ะธั„ ัŽ ะดะพะฝั‚ ะณัั‚ ะฐ ั€ะธะทะฐัŽ

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Announcements 10/27/09

His Majesty's the Royal Supreme High Lord Sir Justice Mythos Wyrm University's Fighting Berserkers have a Demon Ball game on Friday at 7:30 Pm. It is the first game of the Season, so be there or you will be missing out on a lot of fun. The wise guy will be having a lecture called "How to Climb the Mount Everest of our life, or Get a baseball glove and be prepared to shoot a twenty-two," on Thursday October 29th, from Noon until 5:00 PM, at the Robert Ward Auditorium. It will be very interesting and all people are invited to attend, especially if you have a special invitation. Thats all for now.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Nobel Peace Prize

Barack Obama should not have received the 2009 Nobel peace prize. He has done absolutely nothing to deserve the peace prize. In fact I, Lord Justice Mythos Wyrm, deserved more than him. And I am just a crazy old warmonger. The only reason Obama got the peace prize is because he is overly loved by those extremely neurotic mainstream Europeans. Meaning Western Europeans, especially from the Northern Countries. The fact that Obama got the peace prize over some one else that actually did something for peace, like Brad Pitt, is completely atrocious and should be a horrible thought to any true-minded Homo Sapiens, or Homo Neanderthalensis. Brad Pitt is more qualified for the Nobel Prize than Obama (have to find a good reason for this though). All this shows is that Obama can suck up to Norwegians, which isn’t actually that hard in all actuality. The lack of thought being put into the Nobel prizes reveals other problems about the prizes. For instance, they are awarded in Oslo, which is a Norwegian city, yet the monetary prize is Swedish Krona. And the prize is Swedish, yet it is given out in Norway. The Swedes and Norwegians should not be cooperating. Everyone knows that. Doesn’t the Nobel Prize Association know the prophecy? All New Swedish citizens are required to memorize the prophecy, and know that Norwegians and Swedes are never to mix. The idea of Swedes and Norwegians being together makes up the entire fourteenth verse of the prophecy, yet they are getting along just fine. These maniacs are trying to ruin the world. Why don’t they understand the predicament that they are mercilessly pulling the world into? Especially because they also fulfilled the twenty-ninth verse of the prophecy by giving Obama the peace prize this year. These people need to realize their massive mistakes and fix them before the prophecy is fulfilled and life as almost everyone knows it ends. Returning to the peace prize issue, I just realized that I should get the peace prize for a variety of things, including revealing the problems being created by the prize itself. But of course, I would have to impolitely refuse the prize, lest I would become a hypocrite and hopefully my refusal will spark a Swedo-Norwegian (not Pseudo-Norwegian) war. I give many thanks to you if you managed to read through, understand and stomach my overly
long and tedious rant.

In reposnse

The last post was a response to complaints we had from PETA over them not being able to read our message to them. So we simplified our message. Hopefully they could understand that. FYI, the original message was:

In response to your unfounded criticisms of our wondrously effective bureaucratic government system, we, the anti slanderous propaganda subcommittee of the committee of propaganda, in the congress of press, in the department of law enforcement, in the council of defense, have a few words to say to you. We wish for you to cease any libelous propaganda against the government, and resists any feeling to publish the horrendous and astronomically falsified advertisements the opposes the wonderful and unbelievably omnipotent administration in control of this civilization. Any Failure to heed the previously stated announcement, by a member of your terrorist organization will be revealed to the general populace of our civilization through the mourning of your loved ones following extended disappearances to incomprehensible government interment facilities.

Surprsing they couldn't understand it, eh?

A re-written note to PETA.

Hate you. We do. You die. Not us. Just you. You die. Happy us. not you. Ha Ha.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

'Ello

Man this has been a busy few months. First of all my absence was for magic testing. We have reached great heights in identifying people with magical talent. Secondly I was helping edit the Harry Potter novels. They will soon be unbanned in their premium version. Thirdly there was some conferences i needed to attend. You know boring stuff like that. But I am proud to announce that the First Term of His Majesty's the Royal Supreme High Lord Sir Justice Mythos Wyrm University has begun. I wish our incoming students much luck, especially the ones who are there for the magic classes. See you soon. Oh as a final note: HMRSHLSJMWU is pronounced as (non ipa) Hemur-Shils-Jem-Woo.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Announcements

The UZGNS would like to remind everyone that photographs of the captured rainbows are forbidden due to their sensitivity to light. The induction of Olaf Thorson as the Governor of Silver Plats will be held at noon on Friday. Be there or be a regular quadrilateral. Magic testing will begin for all citizens over 8 years old on August 15th. You must sign up for some time between then and September 21st. Also, Harry Potter is currently forbidden. A new correct translation will be provided soon. Finally the Wise Guy has some words for us. They are: Bio mechanical Engineering of the spleen can be painful if performed by an unlicensed surgeon.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Jรคtte

The Jรคtte, or Giants, are a group of spirits that are the physical manifestations of the emotions anger and hatred. They are create when one of these emotions is being abused in a high magic area. From there Jรคtte can reproduce like a human. There are many types of Jรคtte, created by differences in the intensity of the mother emotion and the form of magic that creates it. The types of Jรคtte are, Frost Jรคtte, Mountain Jรคtte, Fire Jรคtte and Titans. Mountain Jรคtte are your generic giant, large (approx 25 feet high with a ratio of height to body size like a normal human) and hairy. Frost Jรคtte are much shorter (averaging 15 feet tall) and less hairy. Frost Jรคtte are known for their ability to breathe icy winds and freeze things in ice by touching them. Fire Jรคtte are about the size of Frost Jรคtte and have no hair, their bodies being covered in flame. The flames one their head might look like hair though. Fire Jรคtte can breathe fire and throw fire balls. Titans are the largest of the Jรคtte. They grow up to about thirty feet high. They are as black as midnight and have broad shoulders and no hair but a lightning yellow beard and tall lightning yellow Japanese anime looking spiky hair. Titans are masters of electricity and are very tough enemies. They are not from the demon world. The titan Gerolf, despite popular belief is not from the demon world, never went to the demon world, and did not defeat me. I just let that idiot Union Leader fight him to see what he was made of. Jรคtte be killed with conventional killing means, like humans. Except for the fact that Fire Jรคtte cannot be burned, Frost Jรคtte cannot be frozen and Titans can no be electrocuted. Bashing the Skull of a Jรคtte in has been proven effective though by my Friend XXXXXXXXXXXX Ferdirend, called รžรณrr in the old legends. Other effective measures include decapitation and poker. Jรคtte are very prideful and often commit suicide after losing large sums of money to games of chance. Despite the fact that hatred and anger are becoming more common then ever in our world the Jรคtte population is decreasing because magic is becoming more and more rare in our world. But explanations of magic are to come later. Jรคttes are said still to be found in Yellowstone, Alaska, Hawai'i, the Himalayas and other remote areas like that. No Titans have been reported in 700 years, since the death of the last Wizard. Next up: Semi- Turcks, ferocious man eating beasts also known as Jassinarries.

The Ubernational Zoological Gardens of New Sweden present...

...Rainbows. Here at the Ubernational Zoological Gardens of New Sweden, we have learned how to capture and care for rainbows. For a limited time you can adopt one. At the small cost of €350 you will receive a certificate saying that you have adopted a rainbow, the chance to name your rainbow and the good feeling that you have supported this mind bending ecological effort. As many of you know, the rainbow is a highly endangered organism known for its extreme beauty. Little is known about their biology but thanks to us, and your contributions, more can be known. There are only 20 rainbows to be adopted currently so get yours today. Also Public feedings are at 7:00 and 17:00 o clock daily. Thank you.

Your loving Friend,
Sven Svenson
Head of the Ubernational Zoological Gardens of New Sweden (UZGNS)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hacking the Net

Nethack is a good analogy of life. Lots of people try to seek the impossible and just when they think they are doing well, they are brutally murdered, while helpless. It also tells you that the moon matters. For instance today I had my best character ever (a dwarven Valkyrie) and I went about half way past minetown and then back up. In Minetown there was a chickatrice (baby cockatrice). I didn't want to meele it so it took forever to kill it with a single thrown dagger. But I killed it and got cocky. I went back up the the Dungeon of Doom and started to look for the oracle. On level 8 I opened a door and was mobbed by Wargs. I killed them all and without realising it I also killed a cockatrice and escaped unharmed. That made me even more cocky. Then later on that level i met another cockatrice. I killed it but it stoned me. Since it was the new moon and I didn't have a lizard corpse the cockatrice had a 100% chance of killing me when it hissed. I was stoned. It sucked. Ecspecialy since the oracle was most likely on that level or the one under me. Now I have shared my grief.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Whats my excuse this time...

I am back from a long campaign to bring you good news. The army of New Sweden has captured Vรคsterbotten County and has made it New Sweden's first province now to be known as Silver Plats. The Campaign went well and we met little resistance. Until a governor is chosen I will act as the governor. Thank you and have a nice day.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Hidden Meanings of Pixar Movies

There are many hidden meanings in Pixar films. Let us begin at the first film and continue on from there.
Toy Story- This film is about genetic engineering. Evidence of this comes from many things. First of all the toy soldiers have feet messed up from genetic engineering. And later in the film it becomes well, obvious, when the story moves into the mad scientist's lab.
A Bugs' Life- This is about animal mistreatment in circus's. See the Rhino serous beetle is represents an abused elephant. This film also contains some anti work, pro slacking propaganda.
Toy Story 2- This story is about the negative consequences of greed. Due to the Fat guy stealing Woody (in greed), many cars are destroyed, infrastructure is ruined and eventually valuable merchandise is ruined.
Monsters INC- Is about farming, or more specifiably hunter gathering. See you can either gather in small amounts, requiring much work, but keeping the source usable, or breaking some rules and gather in environmental unfriendly ways. But in the process you destroy the source. It also brings up the creation of artificial protein bars in laboratories.
Finding Nemo- Simply is a very controversial film. See its hidden meaning is child labor. In it a little kids, after being kidnapped is forced to destroy important infrastructure, almost resulting in his death, like a sucide bomber.
The Incredibles- The Incredibles is about government sponsered discrimination. I am too lazy to explain it buts its pretty obvious.
Cars- Cars is about the evils of global corporations. See a company wants to dirty up the environment with its car races. Because of these races, peace is disturbed in small comunities and ugly cars get the attention.
Ratatouille- This films hidden meaning is the suckiness of the french military, and france in General. See the old lady couldn't even kill a rat, yet she did better than 99.5% of the French Army. And Linguini is the stereotypical frenchman, sucking at life and thinking that he is all that, even though in the corner the rest of teh world is laughing its head off.
WALL-E: Walle is about AI malfunctionings in robots, causing mass destrucation. This seems to be a common theme in scienece fiction. Pixar really needs to rethink its hidden meanings. Get original.
UP- havent seen, don't care. Has to do with the subprime mortage bubble burst, i think.

Predictions (using wikipedia as a source)

Toy Story 3- Greek Life (Fraternities)
Cars 2- No idea. Possibly tropical diseases. Or communism.
The Bear and the Bow- Teenage Rebellion. Literaly Teenagers rebelling against the government. In scotland. So there is a wee chance that they speak like this.
Newt- Prostitution. Need I say more. The plot summary on wikipedia says the main characters are forced to mate. I thought Disney had some morals.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ten signs that you need to rethink your life.

1. Your imaginary Friend ignores you
2. When you and your friends go camping during a thunder storm you are the one who gets to carry the poles.
3. The bank foreclosed your cardboard box.
4. You owe your dog money.
5. The three things you are told the most are 'wake up',' go to bed', and 'its only a flesh wound'.
6. You are a wanna be nerd.
7. When you read a fortune cookie it says 'there is a rope around your neck in the near future' and you lucky numbers are 666, 13 and ฯ€.
8. If you think its fun to spend your Saturday night playing mahjong with 80 year old ladies.
9. Your favorite pastime is breaking wind.
10. A nightlight is your only friend.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I hate Lawn Care

Well, my lawn mower. He was Norwegian, so I knew I couldn't trust him. Claimed I was endangering his health. I don't know what he was talking about. DDT, Parathion and other pesticides have never hurt anyone. Not even a fly. So he quit and guess who had to mow the massive palace lawn when he left. ME!!!!!!!! Well the lawn is a few acres and all we had was a push gas mower dating from 1823 (exaggeration), a reel mower that was even older and a scythe. Of course the gas mower was broken and only had three wheels and the reel mower hadn't be oiled since the Nazi's invaded Norway. So naturally I used the scythe. I little while later I was bored. So I am turning about 3 acres into a Safari Park, so that I have excuse for really long grass. Bye.

More Annoyances for Hawiru

แ› แšบแšจแ›แ›–᛫แ›’แ›–แ›–แ›œ᛫แšพแ›แ›Šแ›–᛫แ›แ›Ÿแ›Ÿ᛫แ›—แ›–᛫แ›–แšพแ›–แ›—แ›–แ›–แ›Š᛬ It has been so long since I have written in the Elder Fuรพark. More Carvings to come. Thanks for reading. By the way I wrote that using a keyboard I made myself.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Leonardo Da Vinci was a liar

Many people say that Leonardo Da Vinci was a genius and a fabulous artist.  Well I knew him and can tell you he isn't.  See there was a Swede by the name Sven Olafsson who happened to be in Italy for some reason.  Well Leonardo Da Vinci, a common thief saw him and all his stuff.  So Da Vinci thought, you know if I kill this guy and steal his stuff then I can pretend to be him and become rich and famous.  So Da Vinci killed Sven and took his briefcase.  For the next few decades Da Vinci slowly leaked out Sven's work, pretending it was his.  But all of Sven's inventions worked.  The reason Da Vinci's inventions didn't work because he spilled wine on them and messed up the diagrams.  Plus Everyone knows that Mongolia had ornithopter for hundreds of years before Leonardo Da Vinci claimed to invent them and that Francis Bacon brought the Idea into Europe.  And the Romans used tanks in their conquest.  Just all this history was rewritten in the Renaissance to make the Western Europeans look better.    

Monday, May 4, 2009

๐“๐ฉ๐ฟ ๐‘„๐ฐ๐ป ๐ฐ๐‘‹๐‘‰๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ซ

๐—๐ฐ๐‘Œ๐ป ๐ท๐ผ ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ธ?  ๐ผ๐ฏ๐‘ƒ ๐ป๐ญ ๐ฐ๐‘‹๐‘‰๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ซ๐‘Œ ๐จ๐‘‚๐ฎ๐‘Š. ๐Œ ๐ถ๐‘Œ๐ป ๐ป๐ญ ๐‘…๐จ ๐‘„๐‘‰ ๐‘๐ฉ๐‘…๐ฏ๐‘….  
Well that was fun.  
Bet you can't read it.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Torure in uhhh Mexico

In Texico students are being taught to torture plants.  They are putting bean seeds in jars are then repeatedly flipping the jar, causing the plant to grow in awkward shapes.  There is no reason that people should be allowed to torture plants and not animals or people.  I demand, as the President, Chair, Founder, CEO, CFO, Treasurer, and leading member of HETV (Humans for Ethical Treatment of Vegetables) that Ocanadio stops torturing plants as plants are people too.  Or I demand that if they don' stop doing this then Brazifornia should start teaching torture of animals in school too.    

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Youtube

I am being framed on youtube by some little kid.  I hate Jimbo Jones the Talking Gorilla.  I am much more awesome than that thing.  but some of his videos are okay.  I guess.

American's are so awesome I want to be one

I love america.  It is so great.  I wish I lived there.  So do you.  So move to America today.  It will be the best decision you will ever make.  O yeah, France is awesome too.
I hate America.  It sucks.  I wish I wasn't being forced to right propaganda for them.  Moving there would be the worse decision you can make.  And France sucks.  Even more than AMerica.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Peace Talks

You might be wondering where I have been the last month or so.  This time it wasn't jail, or Mongolia.  I have been in Cairo working on peace talks with the United States.  Though the meeting are to be confidential until 2013, I may tell you the terms we agreed to.  I am to stop insulting the Americans.  I am to have a better human rights record, meaning no more torturing terrorists (hypocritical Americans, wait I didn't mean that.  Americans don't torture terrorists, anymore).  I am to stop stealing oil from Norway.  I am to hold elections in July.  Fair Elections.  What do you mean our last elections weren't fair?  I am to build a missile defense program to protect my people from Russians.  I am to quit saying that I am an immortal Demon Slayer.  I am to stop promoting obesity by holding the Swedish fish festival.  I am to stop attacking Sweden.  I am to let people come freely into my borders.  I am to join the EU.  I am to stop my use of the รพ and the รฐ.  I am to add the Star Spangled Banner and America the Beautiful to my music on the Wyrm News.  I am to allow people to make decisions.  I am to force Floppy+Bros to make America Overpowered  I WW3, the New Swedish Way.  I am to suck up to America like the rest of Europe.  I am to be the example to the rest of Europe by becoming the 51st state of America.  Wait I wasn't supposed to say that.  In return I will not get invaded by America.  If you are wondering how they got me to agree to these things I must say that I am not allowed to disclose the fact that I was deprived of sleep, water boarded, drugged and had my signiture forged.  Well that is why I have been gone.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Where I have been

I am back.  Did you miss me?  I have been in Jail for the past month or so, but I was found not guilty.  Well I should explain what happened.  See I got a letter telling me to go to Kazakhstan.  รere I met about 15 other world leaders.  We were all standing in a Room, wondering what was happening, when a voice said ˝You are probely wondering why you are here.  Well see there is a buried treasure worth millions hidden somewhere in รฐe world.  You first hint to finding รฐis treasure is รe Road not taken, by Robert Frost.˝  Well on the plane home I was studying รฐe poem when i realized รฐat if you took the first letters of each line, and removed รฐe repeating ones, you get Shoby, a town in England.  SO I went to Shoby an dstarted to dig it up.  Needless to say, they were not amused.  I was arrested and was put on trial.  But due to an idiot recording the information, I was for some reason charged with Manslaughter, Meรพamphetamine trafficking, and assault, rather than trespassing and destruction of Public Property.  SO I was finally released 2 days ago due to lack of evidence.  Oh yeah I found the next clue.  But I won´t tell you until I have found the treasure.  Bye.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

New Blog

I am now publishing an aspiring cartoonist's writing on www.melvileandco.blogspot.com. Check it out. Itis awesome. (laughs in a corner) Bye.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hey that guy owes me money" A rundown of the Weeks since my Last Post.

So I will have to explain the Swedish Fish festival Later. Today I have more important news. See a few weeks ago a faked my death... Well You will see. Let us begin. It all started in November when Barack Hussein Obama sent a letter to me. I replied that I would see him at the World Leader's barbecue the Next week. So at the barbecue I was playing Horseshoes with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jon-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Nicolas Sarkozy, and George Bush. Then a man came over to George Bush. They went away to talk. We thought it was the secret service agent guy so we thought nothing about it. He came back and we continued our game. Man Kim Jon-il is good at horseshoes. So I thought nothing about it until the Sedish fish festival when we caught two spies drinking hot chocolate by a campfire in the middle of the fairgrounds. We took them away and learned that they were sent here by Heinrich von Kathar, who sounded familiar but I wasn't quite sure who he was. I figured out who he was when a guy attacked me in my palace. He was quickly caught. I realised that the Organization he was from would most likely start attacking the common people. So we sent a message to them that we managed to kill their assassin but the assassin managed to kill me while I was trying to expose them. I than created a blog post that I was supposedly writing when I was attacked. After that I left New Sweden to talk to an old Friend of mine. Well they figured out but I managed to escape their grasp and run away to Topeka. But I was stuck in Las Vegas for about thirteen hours. So I had nothing better to do than to go to the Casinos and look for people who owe me money. Well I found one guy who looked familiar, but I was pretty sure he saved my life about 20 years before. So I gave 750 bucks. He looked happy. But the guys in Suits didn't look so happy. Or so I assume. It is hard to tell when 15 guys have guns aimed at you whether or not they were happy to see me. Well I got back on the plane and went to Topeka. Then earlier today I turned on the news and low and behold I saw that guy who I gave the money too. And he being sworn in as President of the United States of America. So that was why the guy looked familiar. He was the President Elect. So now Lil' Hussein (formerly He-who-houses-terrorist-sticks) owes me 750 bucks. Right now I am in the airport heading back to New Sweden. Hopefully then I can appeal to Lil' Hussein to help protect me from the organization unmtil I get organized. So what he wants to kill me. I did give him 750 bucks.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Vacation

I do not have time to report on the Swedish Fish Festival. I must leave now. They are after me. I will be back hopefully after He-who-houses-terrorist-sticks takes over the regime. I must see some old friends, Now. I will explain la...

The Scumbag is dead. Long live The Orgainzation. Long live Heinrich Von Kathar. Death to the True Evil Empire. Wait, how do you change the labels? I wonder if this is the button that does it. Yes I think it is. Hey your supoosed to be dead. Don't press that bu...