Happy New Year 1/08/08 :Þ

We were back. Our writer's were on a strike since during the Swedish Fish Festival they were on clean up duty. They probably got 15 hours of sleep total during the run festival. The Norwegians we hired to clean up the grounds still haven't showed up.

NEWS

After some delay... We present to you the CARNIVAL REPORT. On day 2 we had our military parade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We showed our service men's new uniforms: Yellow and Purple Camouflage. Swedish fish was thrown into the crowd and the little kiddies went wild!!!!!!!!! Plus one lucky person found the Yellow and Purple fish. They traded it for a years supply of SWEDISH FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Day three came the FEAST OF A CENTURY!!!!!!!!!! This feast had köttbullar, Blodpudding, gravad lax, Kåldolmar, Raggmunk, and more. For desert we eat Napoleonbakelse, Ostkaka, Smulpaj, Smördegspaj and SWEDISH FISH!!!!!!!!!! The rest of the days had contests food, plays , etc but are not with mentioning. Ont he final day we had the awards ceremony. That concludes our report on the festival.

More News

On Monday December 31, 2007 in Chardon, Geuaga, Ohio (neutral territory in the East side- West side war) the two sides in this great war named their allies, sometimes without their allies consent.

West side's allies- the Federation of international polo; All member states of the EU but Luxembourg, Finland and Spain; New Jersey; South Africa; Canada; Fiji; the Republican Party; all hippies in Florida; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Sudan's government.

East side's allies- Zimbabwe; New Sweden (YEAH!!!!!!!!!!); Luxembourg and Iceland; Senegal; Mexico; all non-hippies in Florida; Venezuela; Colombia; Mongolia; Dafur; all reindeer in Finland; Lestho; Ghana; Alexander Hamlton.

COMING SOON TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU...

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF NEW SWEDEN

12/20/07 :Þ

"Autocracy is great... when you are the autocrat."
-The wise Guy's Mouth

Also the title's date will know be the date in Sweden when it has this symbol in title :Þ

News

Yesterday (Tuesday) the first annual New Swedish Empire Swedish Fish Festival took place, the first day of ten. The events began promptly at 8:15 AM (Stockholm Time) and it ended at 11:15 PM. Please forgive us for having this article coming out so late, but it was reporting staff's duty to clean up the fairgrounds before reporting on this fun-event. It began with an awesome speech by his Majesty, Lord Mythos Wyrm. Then the fun and games began. At noon exactly the Mile-swim the Fish began, where contestants would have to swim one nautical mile in lake covered with Candy fish!!!!!!!!! The winner was Karl Gustaf. Congratulations Stefan. Also there was the Swedish Fish Artillery shoot, an event were people build cannons out of cardboard tubes and other materials, fill them with gun powder and attempt to launch there Swedish fish (filled with a motion tracking device) the farthest. The winner has not been announced yet. There were many other events full of action, too many to be named. Check out next time for the rundown of the festival, and don't miss tomorrow's parade. You will finally be able to see the general military uniform. It might be Surprising. Until next time.

Battle No1 12/12/07

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Battle Report No1

Today a sneak attack on the West Side's food supply center, The West Side Market, resulted in 153 deaths, 279 critical situations, 412 stable situations, and 19 evaluated and discharged (total for both sides). It started today at 12:36 AM when a group of East Cleveland soldiers attempted to steal supplies in order to starve the West siders. The fight started when the soldiers were seen. The resulting battle was full of food fights and chaos. The rundown of casualties per side is: East Side- 67 deaths, 14 critical situations, 206 stable situations, 19 evaluated and discharged. You can find out yourself about how many West side casualties there were. East side was declared the winner. Territories won: West side market. Outstanding performance given by the east sider known as The Machete who killed 20 people and seriously injured another 106 people of which three were his own troops.

Congratulations East siders. Gold Medal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE WAR BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12/10/07

Today we remember King Tootsie Roll. May he rest in peace. His death was caused when he was set of fire and thrown into the Cuyahoga River by one of the commandos. He will not be forgotten. His funeral will be on December 21, 2007 at the White House.

NEWS

When the Cuyahoga River was set on fire in the 60s hippies were MAD!!!!!!!!!!! And today the Snobbish west siders are VERY MAD!!!!!!!!!! :Þ At Noon today the West siders declared war against the east siders through biased views that the east siders want to lower their ever so precious home value through destruction of the pristine area around the Cuyahoga River. More news on the Westside-Eastside War to follow as battles happen.

A PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE

Boycott The Muffin News. It believes that the Wyrm News is worse than it. This is not true. The Wyrm News is the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So pledge your Allegiance To Wyrms, Candy Fish, Dictators, and Demonball by commenting (your allegiance) on this post.

AWESOME SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go to this website to hear an awesome song. This song will be the Imperial Anthem Of New Sweden. Here it is www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music11.html Listen to this. It is cool.

IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!! 12/1

PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANDYNAPPINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMPORTANT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today in Denver, Colorado (stop 5 of 27) the King of Candy was kidnapped by commandos, ninjas, mountain lion riders, chemists, and engineers. Mr. Roll was giving a motivational speech to sweets in Denver as part of his journey to the University Heights City Hall. Nobody is sure on how many kidnappers there were but estimates say that there were 13 commandos, 7 ninjas, 3 mountain lion riders, 2 chemists and 2 engineers. Witnesses claim that the attack was carried in an operation that was carried out like this:

1. Ninjas, hidden in various high places (balconies for example), through use of special bo-shuriken made by the engineers knocked out Mr. Candy's bodyguards.
   
2. The doors were broken down and in came commandos in purple and yellow camouflage with mountain lion riders.


3. They captured King and rushed out side before police came.


4. Nobody knows how the chemists were involved.

If You have seen this Tootsie Roll please contact Mayor Rothschild.

11/26/07

HI

NEWS

Today at 8:00 AM the Commander Guy George "Dubya" Bush gave a moving speech about how for 4 score and 7 years we have oppressed candy and how we must, as a nation, force Congress to pass a Candy Bill of Rights to save these poor confectioneries. Comeback Kid Bill Clinton rudely yelled at Dubya calling him a stupid Hippocratic oaf who likes to kill candy every night. George replied, "Your MOM." The resulting fight lasted 23 minutes, until the Secret Service intervened, pulling Teflon Bill off of the Velcro President. At the time of writing William Clinton was being held at Guantanamo Bay. At promptly 9:00 AM nine howitzers and a twelve-gauge were fired into the crowd. The ambassador of Japan and an undisclosed amount of citizens are in the extensive care unit of the Walter Reed Army Medical Center for serious injuries. After this salute the Candy Caravan, the Envoy of the King of the Sweets Empire, left Washington on a long trek to 2300 Warrensville Center Road, University Heights, Ohio for the stolen Candy to be returned to Mayor Rothschild.

Until Next time

11/22/07

Sorry about the wait. There was no news.

NEWS

Yesterday the Supreme Court closed the Tootsie Roll vs FBI case. The outcome. In favor of the tootsie roll. The Tootsie roll when hearing this was so happy he talked, giving him the world record for most words said by a tootsie roll (2). The candy is being shipped back to Mayor Rothschild in 14 armoured cars, with an escort of 24 tanks, 31 military hummers, and 3 gun ships. The envoy is set to begin their journey on Monday.

More News

Macy's Thanksgiving parade was ruined when terrorists shot down Santa. It caused mass pandemonium's resulting in gun shots and injury. At least 167 people are reported dead and 319 people are severely injured. More info to follow.

Words from the wise guy's mouth

"Boycott Macy's. If you don't you support terrorism"

More later.

"Belated Post-Election Day" Issue 11/8/07

Sorry about the delay. We were surprised by the amount of votes Hitler.
Election Results
Chanceller: Winner-Thomas Frederick with 67% of votes. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

Supreme Military Leader: Winner- Devon Hardinger with 36.72941% of the votes. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

Treasurer: Winner- John Millhorn with 96.1% of votes. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

PR Represantive: Winner- Sean Kramer with 30.16% of votes. Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr, and Gandhi tied at 20.78%. Loser-Adolf Hitler with 5 votes.

Party 101

The political parties are:
The Lingonberry Party: For all swedes and Swedes only. Members- Fredrik Reinfeldt, Carl XVI Gustaf

The Barbarian Party: the Politcal party for Germans, Mongols, Turks, and Vikings (I'm talking about tribes). Members- Ugga VII the Neanderthal, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, Ubba the Viking, Eric the Red

The Fat stupid rich American Party: for fat stupid rich americans. Members- Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Lizzie Borden, George W Bush, Alexander Hamilton

The Crazy Ruler Party: for leaders of countries who are crazy. Members- Adolf Hitler, Vlad Dracul, Nepoleon Bonaparte, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Sivaji, Hasan Sabah, Murad IV, Shaka, Cleopatra, Herod the Great, Josef Stalin, Julius Cesar, Amina, Lepold II

Sci-fi fantasy party: For people from sci-fi fantasy books/movies. Also for People from Spain, Italy, Portugal, Southern France, and other Southern European Places for a good Swede knows southern Europe is a fantasy world. Members- Luke Skywalker, Senator Palpatine, Hernado Cortes, Pope Urban II,

The good party: humaintarians and good people only. Members- Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Martin Luther

The Awsome party- I'm better than you. Members- Thomas Frederick, , Devon Hardinger, John Millhorn, Sean Kramer

New Sweden Election Issue 11/6/07

Election

High Council: Information

The high council is the main governing body of New Sweden. It is consisted of 5 for life positions. People are elected for 4 of these positions. When they die there is a new election to fill the position. The positions are:

Emperor- leader of the New Swedish Empire and most powerful person in the council. This position is the only one where the common people have no say in filling the position.

Chancellor (Prime Minister?)- this is the secondary leader of the council and the New Swedish empire.

Supreme Military leader (name to be specified, possibly Shogun or Jarl)- this person is in charge of the army, navy, air force, espionage/counter espionage, internal security (police etc.), special forces/assassins and more.

Treasurer- in charge of finance for New Sweden. Also in charge of taxes, labor, trade etc.

Public and Foreign relations- in charge of relations with the common people, other governments and ambassadors.

The Candidates

Chancellor- Alexander Hamilton, Eric the Red, Adolf Hitler, Luke Skywalker, Senator Palpatine, Thomas Frederick, Fredrik Reinfeldt, Carl XVI Gustaf, Julius Cesar, Ugga VII the Neanderthal, Amina, George W Bush

Military Dude- Vlad Dracul, Adolf Hitler, Ugga VII, Nepoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, Ubba the Viking, Alexander the Great, Devon Hardinger, Ivan the Terrible

Treasurer- Lepold II, Adolf Hitler, Ugga VII, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, John Millhorn, Alexander Hamilton, Sivaji, Hasan Sabah, Hernado Cortes, Murad IV, Pope Urban II,

P/F R- Ugga VII, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Cleopatra, Herod the Great, Sean Kramer, Shaka, Lizzie Borden, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Martin Luther, and the Hidden Person ???,

Check tomorrow for results plus party info.

11/3/07

The News

More information on the University Heights Candy Scandal is now available. Yesterday at 9:32 PM in Washington DC the FBI finished scanning the candy for HIV. They found that 0.00% of the candy was HIV positive but one tootsie roll had trace amounts of contaminant 132684 (dish soap). When finding this the FBI activated the controversial order 666666 which says that when a terrorist-borne contaminant is found in or on a common household item the government has the right to burn all objects of the same type (ex: all silverware if a fork is contaminated) in a 200 mile radius. Then they have to take the ashes, bombard them with gamma rays, and send the radiated ashes to a military base in Zimbabwe were they are put in special air-tight capsules which are shot from a rail gun to Mars. PETA is appealing to the Supreme Court in behalf of the candy, claiming order 6666666 is unconstitutional. The tootsie roll has no comment.

Animal of the day

Corgan: An animal family that's base characteristics are 2 chicken legs, a furry spherical body, two bulging eyes and a long tail that ends in a fork. Contains 5 different species to be detailed in later issues.

Words From the Wise Guy's Mouth

"Elephant pies are better than cow pies when you are chucking things at cars"

That's all Folks.

The First Report 11/1/07

Welcome readers to the first edition of "The Wyrm News". I am your host, his Majesty Supreme Justice Mythos Wyrm of the New Swedish Empire. Now that I have introduced myself the news will begin.

The News

On October 31, 2007 five teenage boys and three 7 year old girls stole a total of 736 pounds and 9 ounces of candy from houses on Saybrook, Washington, Silsby, and Traymore roads of University Heights, Ohio. They were hired by Mayor Beryl E. Rothschild so that she could have as much candy as she wanted. The candy was going to be hid in the "salt" storage facility behind city hall, but the EPA said that the facility was not up standards a.k.a there was no tarp over the cardboard box. The candy was then confiscated and sent to the FBI to make sure that terrorists didn't poison the candy with HIV. No more information at the time.

REAL NEWS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Wednesday October 24, 12 year old Allerric Wilkes passed out during gym at Wiley Middle School. He died later that evening at the hospital. We will never forget him.

Letter of the Day

Today's letter of the day is Quazi (#%^). It is used in two words (#%^)hgiity and n(#%^)criyup.

Number of the Day

Today's number is 12476897635072356327634.52376015670163758610661114841. If you find its square and square root you get a piece of chocolate.

Wisdom from the Wise Guy's Mouth.

"Potato Chips are good for your stomach bacteria"

Read tomorrow for more wisdom

This has been today's report. Check tomorrow for more news.