NEWS
Today at 8:00 AM the Commander Guy George "Dubya" Bush gave a moving speech about how for 4 score and 7 years we have oppressed candy and how we must, as a nation, force Congress to pass a Candy Bill of Rights to save these poor confectioneries. Comeback Kid Bill Clinton rudely yelled at Dubya calling him a stupid Hippocratic oaf who likes to kill candy every night. George replied, "Your MOM." The resulting fight lasted 23 minutes, until the Secret Service intervened, pulling Teflon Bill off of the Velcro President. At the time of writing William Clinton was being held at Guantanamo Bay. At promptly 9:00 AM nine howitzers and a twelve-gauge were fired into the crowd. The ambassador of Japan and an undisclosed amount of citizens are in the extensive care unit of the Walter Reed Army Medical Center for serious injuries. After this salute the Candy Caravan, the Envoy of the King of the Sweets Empire, left Washington on a long trek to 2300 Warrensville Center Road, University Heights, Ohio for the stolen Candy to be returned to Mayor Rothschild.
Until Next time
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