The News
More information on the University Heights Candy Scandal is now available. Yesterday at 9:32 PM in Washington DC the FBI finished scanning the candy for HIV. They found that 0.00% of the candy was HIV positive but one tootsie roll had trace amounts of contaminant 132684 (dish soap). When finding this the FBI activated the controversial order 666666 which says that when a terrorist-borne contaminant is found in or on a common household item the government has the right to burn all objects of the same type (ex: all silverware if a fork is contaminated) in a 200 mile radius. Then they have to take the ashes, bombard them with gamma rays, and send the radiated ashes to a military base in Zimbabwe were they are put in special air-tight capsules which are shot from a rail gun to Mars. PETA is appealing to the Supreme Court in behalf of the candy, claiming order 6666666 is unconstitutional. The tootsie roll has no comment.
Animal of the day
Corgan: An animal family that's base characteristics are 2 chicken legs, a furry spherical body, two bulging eyes and a long tail that ends in a fork. Contains 5 different species to be detailed in later issues.
Words From the Wise Guy's Mouth
"Elephant pies are better than cow pies when you are chucking things at cars"
That's all Folks.
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