Unicorns

There are two types of Unicorns, the Steppe Unicorn and the Forest Unicorn. There are also their close relatives the Bicorns, and the Quadracorns, but those are a completely different story. And no, tricorns do not exist. Steppe Unicorns are extremely common, living all over Russia, Mongolia, Kazakhstan and other parts of Central Asia. They often are found in herds over five hundred and it is thought there are over two-hundred herds this size. Of course these creatures are not often seen as they can run over forty-five miles per hour over the course of thirty miles and can easily sprint at miles per hour. They also blend in well with the steppe. They have little magical ability and their main purpose for being hunted is for food and for their extremely warm and camouflaged hide. Some people also seek them out for their horns, which are then sold as fake unicorn horns. Forest unicorns contrast greatly. They are rare solitary beasts, larger than a draft horse, and are extremely bad tempered. They have much magical ability and are agile and elusive. Forest Unicorns are found throughout Germany, Switzerland, Austria, and other forested areas in Europe. It is also thought that some where captured and released in British Columbia during the 1700s, and that they is now a sizable population fighting for food with the Sasquatch. The forest Unicorn is white in colour in its natural form, but can change its colour at will. The horn of a forest unicorn is unbreakable, extremely sharp, and capable of cutting diamond. When ground up it acts as a powerful hallucinogen, and in quantities of more than a few grams it can knock out or even kill an adult human. Forest Unicorn blood is highly acidic, and is used as the almost universal solvent, as it can't dissolve gold, and a few other things. Forest unicorn hide is also warm, but has nothing special compared to the steppe unicorn hide. Forest Unicorn hoofs can be turned into an adhesive that is more powerful than almost any type of glue, but at the same time can be easily removed in the proper manner. This makes it useful for climbing up walls. Forest Unicorn bones can be ground up to make a potion that makes to user temporarily fast, but has side effects that include increased heart rate, death, internal bleeding, loss of judgment, insanity, internal necrosis, and a squeaky voice. Forest unicorn tail can be used to make a strong, elasticity rope. Forest unicorn liver tastes really good fried, and their kidneys can cure you of most poisons when eaten (with the side effect of being poisonous themselves). Forest Unicorn bile is a flavor-er and can make anything it touches taste like strawberries, cinnamon and rotting flesh, for weeks at a time. The heart of a forest unicorn can be dried to create a pouch that bounces like a rubber ball and floats in water. Most other parts are useless. In order to hunt a forest unicorn, you must lure it to ca clearing with a human girl, which it eat. As it is eating, you can try to kill it. It has a heightened sense of danger, and will run away at the slightest bit of danger, so having prettier girls is better (to distract them more). If you and your hunting party are extremely good, the girl might even be saved. Please note that hunting forest unicorns is illegal and fines will be imposed on poachers. All forest unicorn products are illegal and non-trade-able. Forest unicorns are very deadly and love snaking on human flesh. With that thank you and have a nice day.

Jelly Voles

Do you want to eat a jelly vole? They are the next Swedish Fish. Almost as good, but way awesome-er. Buy some today.

The Wise Guy is sick

Just read the title. He is recovering from Ebola and should be ready to spread his wisdom in a few weeks. Thank you for supporting us and have a nice day

The Wise Corner- #2 Pasta

Pasta is a good food for you. It has lots of carbohydrates, which are good for you. You should not fear carbohydrates. Pasta also tastes good. There are many ways prepare pasta. Try them all, in every shape. If you eat one pound of pasta a day I assure that by 2013 you will be the strongest person ever. I did that and after twenty years I could wrestle a bear. Then I ate the arch-nemesis of pasta, watermelon. If you never eat watermelon you will be strong.
-Wise Guy

Which do you prefer?

Dů jů laëk ďú čék vélžún ül ďú ëíntélnét vélžún úv ďëíc cklëípt fół ëňglëíš?

Duuo yuuo laaik dhu tshek uuel dhu intelnet velzhun uv dhic sklipt foll iingglish?

Plëc cómént.

Pliis coment.

Chicken Hunt

There will be a country wide chicken hunt on Friday January 22. Your goal will to be to catch as many specially marked chickens as possible and bring them to the palace by Tuesday. There will then be a party with lots of fried chicken and fun. Even door prizes. Everybody is invited. Remember, chickens must not be hurt. Nor may other competitors be hurt, but you can steal their chickens. Prizes for the people who bring back the most chickens. All PETA members are invited to attend, but if the competition is interfered with in any way, there will be severe consequences.
You have been warned.

Gůíd Lúk and háv fún, maë évél cü löjół cúbđékc.

Notice:

Yes it is true that the wise guy is a little weird. But please listen to him. He is very wise you know. And he knows Zulu. Also, there is a demon ball game vs the Vladstockengrad Cossacks next Friday. i would highly recommend that you are there. Finally, there is going to be a public discussion on the prophecy on January 21, at 5:00 PM and running to 9:00 Pm at the Royal Palace.

The Wise Corner- #1 Introduction

Many of you have problems. Long ago I had problems too. But I fought my problems and became better. I am now ever telling people who to solve their problems. See when I was a young boy, there was no such thing as hippies. Also there was no such thing as video games, and telephones. In fact there was no electricity, or Romans. There was just open plains and nature. It was very fun. Then they came. They were very scary and killed my family. They also burned my village and killed everybody. The only thing left was me and my walking stick. So I left out into the world. I traveled for many years, and then I ran into this man who told me that he was looking for me. But more amazingly he spoke my language. See I thought that I was the only speaker left, for my village was the last stronghold for the Kwhúúm, which were my people. Our lands had been overrun by the Tâp'iiqhí for many years. And this man gave me sage advice. He told me that Even if life comes and kills your family, destroys all you know and makes you a fugitive, you should still become a learner of wisdom. And so that has been my journey. Thank you.

- Yâtjâ Npàmthk'ííqqhàdu
Wise Guy

Ima backa

I got South America for my assignment. That means that I shouldn't have to do to much over the next decade, hopefully. The rest of the council got: Australia (Sercatha), North America (Greshkhan), Asia (Ferdirend), Africa (Crynearg), and Europe (Annawyn).

Next: Updates for the new year. There will be more letters to the demon-slayers, guest columns, and cool stuff. Also there will be things like language lessons, and possibly games. The wise guy has even offered to write a column every week. Hope you have a good year, or in our orthography (style Czech)- Üp jů óv ä gůíd jęh`. I think. I usually use the normal script. Which is way cooler. But you have to learn both. So in your language- gůíd baę júň pódúwón. Or- Dünt kęíl jůíh`célf, oh` élc jů węíl daę.

A Brief description of the next few days

I will be gone over the next few days for the Great Demon Slayer Conference. We hold this every ten years at our secret hideout to draw lots and receive new assignments. How it works is each continent (excluding Antarctica) is assigned a straw length. This decade the shortest is Europe, the next is South America, then North America, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia. Then we draw straws according to who got Europe the conference before. Then goes Asia, Australia, Africa, North America, and Finally South America. That means I am going third. I will be gone from the 3rd to the 8th of January. thank you for any inconvenience.